Mourning the loss of Chelsea and Amber – there is help

Friends and family of Amber Dubois gathered to share stories and mourn the loss at a candlelight vigil at Escondido High School. (Photo by Don Kohlbauer)

Thousands of San Diego residents recently turned out to mourn 17-year-old Chelsea King and 14-year-old Amber Dubois at separate candlelight vigils just one week apart.

Now many of those mourners — some of whom have never met the girls or their families — are  pouring into the San Diego Hospice office seeking help to cope with the tragic loss to their communities of Rancho Bernardo, Poway and Escondido.

Liane Fry, a licensed marriage and family therapist and program manager at the Center for Grief Care and Education for San Diego Hospice, said the facility –- which specializes in end-of-life care — has been getting calls from grieving community members wanting to talk since the search for King began Feb. 25.

“Primarily, we are getting calls from people who were involved in the search or other parents,” she said.  “We are seeing a broader community response.  Given how well-publicized it was, it hit all of us so profoundly.”

Both girls were found dead within a week of each other, following their separate mysterious disappearances.

The tragic events, while traumatizing for those close to the girls and their families, can trigger strong feelings of loss in others, even if they were not directly connected to the events, Fry said.

“[The tragedy] acts as an echo into the losses they might be experiencing,” she said.  “They are stimulated by that loss.”

Those personal losses –- while most are indicative of a death –- can also include circumstances like divorce or incarceration, she said.

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San Diego Hospice has 40 counselors available to talk with anyone who may need help or even just a safe listening ear.  While there is a set fee to speak to a counselor, the facility does work on a sliding scale based on household income and offers hardship fees.

Ryan Jackson, a marriage and family therapist intern at the LifeSping Center and former bereavement counselor for San Diego Hospice, said that while the response from the community is varied –- from the families of the victims to those who never knew them –- the impact of the events is strong enough to trigger grief in everyone.

“The specific issues are different, but the pain is consistent,” he said.

While Fry could not disclose information about specific counseling sessions at San Diego Hospice, she did touch on some common problems that often stem from tragic events and are later resolved through bereavement counseling.  She said instances like these can result in community members thinking about their own vulnerability or that of their loved ones.  Grief sufferers may also be dealing with their own sense of mortality, she said.

San Diego Hospice also offers many open grief support groups.

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In addition to working through those issues with a counselor, it is important to grieve as a community –- a process that is already happening very naturally in San Diego, Fry said.

“I just happened to drive by the high school the other day and I saw the picture of Chelsea, the flowers, the painted rocks,” she said.  “In our healthiest fashion, that’s what we do.”

The community’s involvement in the search for Chelsea and attendance to both vigils also shows great support for the families, she said.

“It has been said that no matter what the act of mourning, regardless of the relationship to the deceased, human beings are compelled to act in accordance to the powerful experience of grief, such as with the Chelsea King and Amber Dubois cases,” Fry said in an email.  “Whether we proceed in a moving candlelight vigil, pour our heart out in song, or post photos and stories of the deceased on the Web, we are acting and we are memorializing.”

Despite those efforts, however, Jackson said that in a tragic case so close to home, a community’s initial sadness can easily turn into anger.

“This loss is opening,” Fry added.  “Anger in this case can even lead to rage.  People may or may not be satisfied by the court system and what happens there.”

That, she said, can affect one’s self-esteem and create persistent shock and disbelief even after time has passed.

“The fact that folks are turning to San Diego Hospice is a good sign for the health of the community,” Jackson said.

San Diego Hospice is located at 4311 Third Avenue in San Diego.  Counselors can be reached at (619) 278-6480.

Jennifer Reed is SDNN’s living editor.  She can be reached at jennifer.reed(at)sdnn.com.

Tags: Amber Dubois, Center for Grief Care and Education, Chelsea king, Escondido, escondido high school, John Albert Gardner III, Lake Hodges, Liane Fry, LifeSpring Center, Pala, Poway, Poway High School, Rancho Bernardo, registered sex offender, Ryan Jackson, San Diego Hospice, SDNN

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