Barbara Bry and Hoa Quach, SDNN’s associate publisher and political editor,  are both aware I’ve personally experienced brutality.  They asked me to share my experiences in honor of the 10^th Annual International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women, which is Nov. 25.  As a writer and performer, I know how powerful true stories can be, so I readily agreed to share.  And then, I readily froze in my efforts to write.

Almost all my writing about what I’ve endured has been through poetic form, most of which I’ve performed for audiences.  None of it has been published, and this is intentional.

Performing spoken word that exemplifies the essence of my traumas and the reclaiming of self I’ve achieved has revolutionized the healing of my psychological scars.   It’s akin to having a witness, which is a proven step in the recovery of traumatic experiences - as any expert in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can uphold.  When I perform, I do so for receptive, adult audiences and if the content of my piece is especially intense, I can alert them beforehand

However, print material in our cyber-scribing age streams in seconds to people across the globe.  Because access to the Internet is permanent, the material can be used against you.  In the moment, localized performances that are not recorded are just that, local, in the moment and temporary.  Providing a permanent account had never felt safe.  I had many things to consideration, including the potential of perpetrators who could retaliate.  I have received threats should I expose my story.  These used to scare me.

While performing has aided my psychological well being, I have symbolic imprints that will never be erased.  I get flashbacks, and without my trusty dog, I am hyper-vigilant in almost any environment.  It’s like I’m a war vet, fresh from the fields, still scouting the horizon for the enemy.  Only difference is, my enemies were mostly known to me, where as in war, you normally ward off strangers.

The physical wounds run deep.  Two of my worst assaults were suffocation rapes.  One when I was 2, the other when I was about 12.  The force of being restrained warped my collarbone, permanently damaged my shoulders and contributes to headaches to this day.  I am limited in how I use my arms and must work with physical therapies and chiropractic treatments to keep my joints mobile.   I have severe lower back and hip pain, and my menses range from acute cramps to hemorrhaging.  As a child, I rebelled silently by developing eating disorders that ranged from binging to starving.  It stunted my growth in height and in development.  I didn’t grow at all from age 12 to 18.

When needed, I employ non-narcotic pain meds.  I can’t handle narcotics.  I’m too sensitive; possibly from the years of forced illicit drug use used to quiet my struggles against the grown men who frequented our household. Most of them were drug dealers.  I was an especially angelic looking child with classic European standards of beauty, fair skin, big blue eyes, blond hair and a delicate frame.  It seemed these men couldn’t resist the lure of my doll-like features.  I gladly lost count of how many assaults transpired.

However, I’ve not been able to shake the gang attacks I experienced.  The one with adult men, half of whom I knew, was the worst.  I felt like a commodity, traded at their will.  And, the most recent rape was from a woman.  It seems especially tragic to have been assaulted by another female.  That one is as vivid as if it were yesterday. Over the years I developed severe food sensitivities, and have been diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Immune Deficiency Syndrome, Fibromyalgia and chronic migraines.  At one point the combination landed me in a wheelchair and caused me to lose my favorite job.  I used to have thoughts of suicide, but my religious views forced me to overcome it.  Now I live doing things, like hosting community events, which feed my spirit in order to combat the prevalent feeling that my spirit was stolen long ago.

I do best when receiving weekly acupuncture treatments and careful massage.  But, the problem is, none of my perps have been held legally or financially accountable.  The statute of limitations for reporting the assaults, passed long ago.  No attacker has offered to pay my bills, and this economy has forced me to cut expensive treatments that my private health insurance policy won’t cover.

I wish I were the only one with this type of story.

Rape is a penetration of sexual boundaries.  It matters not what the tool used is, nor the exact boundary that is penetrated.  We know that the average victim is female and the average assailant is male, but both men and women can be rapists and both men and women are raped.

The National Institute of Justice & Centers for Disease Control & Prevention did a survey in 1998 regarding the Prevalence, Incidence and Consequences of Violence Against Women.  They only recorded rapes of women over the age of 12 and found that nearly 18 percent of all white women in America have reported being raped.  Also, 34.1 percent of American Indian and Alaskan women reported having been raped.  It’s estimated that an additional 60 percent of all rape and sexual assault occurrences are never reported.

It’s common knowledge that once a victim has had her boundaries obliterated; it’s easy for her to be victimized again.  Healthy boundaries are hard to reinstate and the toll of physical and psychological threats if a female fights back is easily used to silence her.  The average survivor knows her assailant and is powerless to fight him.  An assailant’s experience of getting away with rape often fuels his hunger for more.  And so, it happens again.  And again.  All the while, the unquantifiable consequences explode.

I work to educate others as part of my growth.  I always will.  In my case, my healing is endless.  Sharing of stories and hearing stories is key to survival.  Knowing that others have survived tales similar to mine gives me strength.

And, while this is in my voice only, with the wrong set of ingredients, it could have been yours.

Tryce Czyczynska is the co-founder of 51%: A Women’s Place Is In Politics and host of “Conversation & Coffee with Cool Women.”

Tags: 51, barbara bry, hoa quach, incidence and consequences of violence against women, International day for the elimination of violence against women, national institute of justice and centers for disease control and prevention, post traumatic stress disorder, prevalence, san diego domestic violence shelters, san diego domestic violence survivors and victims, SDNN

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 25th, 2009 at 9:19 am and is filed under A More Perfect Union. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

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The physical wounds run deep but I'm not the only one - http://www.sdnn.com/?p=76658

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